out of darkness...Just for today...

Please pray before you read this post, It is not for the faint of heart...

I confess my sin of wanting to be loved. It is very painful and confusing and embarrassing but I am coming out with it.

So this is what happened to me...

http://www.bbs.ca.gov/pdf/publications/proftherapy.pdf

I fit in several of the things that listed there on page eight. I fit in the "What if It's me?" category on page nine. I haven't even been able to read the whole document, That is as far as I have gotten... I just start to shake and cry.

Please pray for me.

I am a Christian, Jesus will use all of this for good, I am so grateful that I didn't lose my friend Lori, If you read this Lori, thank you for not giving up on me. I think that my attacking her was as a result of my response to his isolating me from others while I was counseling with him.

My Plan:

# 1 to report him or not?

I am undecided about what to do. I am afraid that he will abuse others. Now that he has left his wife and has a girlfriend it is unlikely that he will use other patients or do what he did to me but I know that he is still crudely verbally sexual with his clients. I spoke to another lady that saw him after I stopped seeing him and she told me that he talked about having involuntary erections with her. I have not gone to another counselor, the idea of it terrifies me.

#2 to take care of myself:

medication for anxiety and depression,

exercise,

healthy diet,

sewing again (making Christmas stockings and a quilt for my new grand baby),

reading uplifting books, including the scriptures,( my second time through this year with the DAB!)

building relationships.

pursuing my career: (doing a good and better job at my work, I love my work as an aquatic aerobics instructor and I want to continue to keep my CNA certification).

So...square one, clean slate with you now.

I know I talked to you before about my fear of leaving the house and the self harm that I did to myself. I thought of making an anonymous blog about people who cut themselves or are recovering from abuse but I decided I am going to talk about it here. It is me and I am real.

I can't change the past. I can't fix my mistakes. I know that I trust Jesus to cover my sins. He is the only one who can. I claim the power of His blood. I pray that I will do no harm to anyone by telling the truth.

Behind everyone's mask there is a story. If only we could wear signs like the Brave Girls' blog talked about... If I had a sign on that said "My heart is broken- I wanted to feel loved and I feel lost"

What would your sign say?

"I just got yelled at again, I am trying to do good but I just get yelled at"

"I want to die"

"The pain is too much for me and I want to leave"

"I feel alone"

"I feel sad"

"I can't take this anymore"

Just for today, I am hanging on that is all I have to do, that is all we have to do... Just for today!

I have been getting photos from postitive affirmation websites. Here is one to get us started...

I will accept the things I cannot change and live today: